THE TIGHTS

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I have a love/hate relationship with hosiery.

I dislike the way they look with certain styles. I hate it when they snag on your way into work. I find it intolerable when you arrive home to find them down by your knees. I really don’t like it when people ruin a perfectly good outfit with them. I hate that only a size large in Primark fits me properly. And I despair when people wear coloured ones.

It has to be said, however, that the positives far outweigh the negatives when it comes to these skin-tight accessories.

They are my reliable go-to on a weekday morning in the depths of winter and something I pine for, come May, when the weather is no longer cool enough to pull them on. They are the key to wearing dresses when my legs are too pale to expose to unsuspecting commuters. They are the answer to those ‘what to wear’ dilemmas when I’ve woken up later than I should’ve for work. They make miniskirts wearable and, Christ on a stick, let’s hear it for the options: from fishnets, polka dots and patterned tights to your standard pair of black, 80 deniers (never nude) for those days when you just need a bit of cover from the cold. Tights? I’m not sure what I’d do (or wear) without them.

It might seem strange to love something so trivial but when you hate your legs as abhorrently as me, tights become your best friend, autumn/winter your favourite season and an organised hosiery section more heavenly than a well-stocked gin bar.

Here’s to tights, in all their non-nude forms.

You the bomb.

 

THROW THE GOOD KIND OF SHADE

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Kate Moss is my style icon.

I mean, it’s not like I actually dress like her or anything but everything she wears, I want and she is basically my queen for life.

Anyway, if you, like me, are in love with her too, then why not bid on a pair of her sunglasses to become a) infinitely cooler and b) raise some cash for charity?

Specs Appeal 2016 is now live and they want you to bid on sunglasses that once belonged to the likes of not only Kate Moss but Stephen Fry, Emma Watson and Annie Lennox (amongst others) in order to raise money to help partially sighted children in poverty around the world see again.

Read more about their amazing work here. They can one hundred percent explain it all a lot better than I can.

The one thing I will say? Get bidding. The auction closes on Monday 5th December at 8pm GMT.

Good luck and donate generously.

THE HALLOWEEN

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Ah, it’s that time of year again where we Google what we’re going to be for weeks ahead of the 31st, searching for a costume that is the perfect combination of sexy/scary, before forgetting to buy one altogether and having to concoct a makeshift one from whatever’s left in Wilko, resulting in basically a non-costume. We will then creep off into the night before downing more alcohol than usual, behaving in ways we normally wouldn’t and encountering more dickheads than we thought humanly possible.

It’s painful, why then do I love it so?

I don’t know.

But what I do know is that Halloween costumes that are acceptable for 27-year-olds seem to be very few and far between and the desire to dress up is wearing thin. If you, like me, still don’t have a clue what to go as to that overpriced club night or likely-to-be-quite-messy house party on Saturday, then here are my suggestions to you:

Mexican Sugar Skull

Cultural appropriation arguments aside – for these are desperate times – a Mexican sugar skull costume provides late twenty-somethings with a hint of sophistication to stop you looking like a complete plonker with enough fright to pay homage to the holiday. Age-appropriate indeed.

Scrubs and Blood

Not at all sexy, but if you’re planning on heading out for a hefty supper before the celebrations commence, then you can certainly let it all hang out in these bad boys. Comfort combined with costume effort – basically what being 27 at Halloween is made of.

Cannibal Cavegirl

Done properly, this can actually look pretty great – but you’ve got to go the whole hog: think a full head of back-combed hair, a dress made of animal print fur, bones in your hair and blood around your mouth.

Wednesday Addams

Black dress (preferably with a white collar). Pigtails. Monday-before-coffee-face. Simple.

Slaughtered Beauty Queen

This is definitely one for a more glamorous occasion – although only worth the effort if you have actually been invited to a half-decent Halloween party, such as Jonathon Ross’. Invest in a second-hand cocktail gown, plastic tiara, coat yourself in blood and you’re good to go.

Finally, A Dead… Anything

Basically, if you’re struggling with what to wear, dress up as something… a chef, a baker, a painter and then just, sort of… make yourself look dead.

This Halloween, if you think you’re too old, the truth is, you probably are, but if you feel like pressing on regardless, please promise me this: that you won’t go dressed as a cat or a bunny – or basically anything with whiskers; that you won’t just wear a onesie and call it a costume and that you will refrain from going as a member of ISIS, an aborted baby or a bloody tampon. You’re not funny, you’re an idiot and belong in a rugby club at a university in Devon.

If in doubt this Halloween, just cover yourself in blood and drink too much – it’s worked for me in the past and is probably what we’ll all end up doing anyway.

Have a good one.