THE HALLOWEEN

halloween, pumpkin carving

Ah, it’s that time of year again where we Google what we’re going to be for weeks ahead of the 31st, searching for a costume that is the perfect combination of sexy/scary, before forgetting to buy one altogether and having to concoct a makeshift one from whatever’s left in Wilko, resulting in basically a non-costume. We will then creep off into the night before downing more alcohol than usual, behaving in ways we normally wouldn’t and encountering more dickheads than we thought humanly possible.

It’s painful, why then do I love it so?

I don’t know.

But what I do know is that Halloween costumes that are acceptable for 27-year-olds seem to be very few and far between and the desire to dress up is wearing thin. If you, like me, still don’t have a clue what to go as to that overpriced club night or likely-to-be-quite-messy house party on Saturday, then here are my suggestions to you:

Mexican Sugar Skull

Cultural appropriation arguments aside – for these are desperate times – a Mexican sugar skull costume provides late twenty-somethings with a hint of sophistication to stop you looking like a complete plonker with enough fright to pay homage to the holiday. Age-appropriate indeed.

Scrubs and Blood

Not at all sexy, but if you’re planning on heading out for a hefty supper before the celebrations commence, then you can certainly let it all hang out in these bad boys. Comfort combined with costume effort – basically what being 27 at Halloween is made of.

Cannibal Cavegirl

Done properly, this can actually look pretty great – but you’ve got to go the whole hog: think a full head of back-combed hair, a dress made of animal print fur, bones in your hair and blood around your mouth.

Wednesday Addams

Black dress (preferably with a white collar). Pigtails. Monday-before-coffee-face. Simple.

Slaughtered Beauty Queen

This is definitely one for a more glamorous occasion – although only worth the effort if you have actually been invited to a half-decent Halloween party, such as Jonathon Ross’. Invest in a second-hand cocktail gown, plastic tiara, coat yourself in blood and you’re good to go.

Finally, A Dead… Anything

Basically, if you’re struggling with what to wear, dress up as something… a chef, a baker, a painter and then just, sort of… make yourself look dead.

This Halloween, if you think you’re too old, the truth is, you probably are, but if you feel like pressing on regardless, please promise me this: that you won’t go dressed as a cat or a bunny – or basically anything with whiskers; that you won’t just wear a onesie and call it a costume and that you will refrain from going as a member of ISIS, an aborted baby or a bloody tampon. You’re not funny, you’re an idiot and belong in a rugby club at a university in Devon.

If in doubt this Halloween, just cover yourself in blood and drink too much – it’s worked for me in the past and is probably what we’ll all end up doing anyway.

Have a good one.

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