THE PANG

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I haven’t felt jealous in a long time.

As in, I don’t remember getting that debilitating sinking feeling (because that’s the best way to describe it in my eyes) since probably secondary school. It was most likely in regards to someone buying a better school bag than me or nabbing the guy I fancied before I did. That’s not to say things have been peachy keen since my final day in that blue blazer, or that I don’t compare myself to others – come on, you’ve seen how often I’m on Instagram (the app that quite literally forces you to compare yourself to photoshopped bodies and ‘perfect’ lives). But that sobering feeling of being jealous of something someone else has? It really hadn’t hit me for years.

Until last weekend, that is.

No, it wasn’t that someone had bagged my dream job or bought the top I’d been eyeing up on ASOS, I actually found out a friend of mine was pregnant. I felt elated, overjoyed and I screamed a little too loudly in the street when I was told. But once the shock and joy had settled, I was left with nothing but green eyed envy, which was new, because I didn’t even really know if I 100% wanted children until then.

Although jealousy doesn’t feel great (I haven’t thought about anything but babies for the past week and my uterus is itching to be used), it does give you a pretty good indication of what you really want for the future, even if it does come as a surprise.

I think we could probably stop seeing jealousy as a negative and instead look to it as a driving force for success and dream fulfillment because it would seem that, although comparison is the thief of joy, jealousy is (can be) the unveiling of truth. And until you know what you really want, you can’t go after it, can you?

Here’s to jealousy and its impromptu, green eyed self.

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