An X.Y view on S.E.X

When asked to write “something for the boys”, this was a no-brainer – there are few more gender-divisive topics than that of The Old In-Out. I therefore write the following fully aware of the risk I take – of opening myself up to the wrath of women scorned.

I have experienced nigh-on every point of the “waiting” sliding scale. One night stands, first date flings, friends-with-benefits, first-base ‘things’… hell, I’ve even found time to fall in love. The outstanding common bedroom theme? Freedom, to do only what both of us were comfortable with.

There should not be a hard and fast “rule” governing when to jump into bed, the point being that readiness to put out means different things to different people at different times. There should be no shame and no steadfast time-limit constraining sex if both parties are sure, and if both are careful – careful with their choice of partner, situation, and contraception. Done properly, knocking boots is healthy, fun, and gives a buzz greater than many more dangerous pursuits. Not every liaison need lead to a long-term relationship, sometimes that feeling of intimacy is the goal. And there is nothing wrong with that, for men or women. Curious experimentation is a wonderful thing if stopped short of recklessness, in any walk of life.

Unlike going to Homebase, getting to home base too early or too late can not on its own kill a relationship, even if it is the end game. With the right person, the timing of going to the next level is irrelevant when the nature of that change is right: mutual, responsible and with care for the other’s feelings – in deciding together, you’ll almost certainly grow closer as a couple. I’ve never experienced, nor have I seen, a solid relationship break down solely because the couple jumped the gun by jumping in the sack, or wither away because one half wouldn’t put out. There are always bigger problems. But sex (or lack of it) is the easiest to blame.

Intimacy is at its very best when both parties are completely comfortable with and aware of the situation. When there is no pressure to say yes to every desire, but you both do because if feels right for that very moment. That moment could be half-way through the first date, or 6 months into a relationship. Which is why, when asked recently at the end of a second date whether I wanted to go all the way, my response was honest – yes, of course, but only if the feeling is mutual. I fancied the pants off her, had felt an immediate connection and felt immensely comfortable with her… my answer was obvious. Those feelings would not disappear if she said no because she wasn’t ready. Her saying no just to have power over me, or her saying yes solely because she felt pressured – well that would. As it turned out, it wasn’t right for her at that time, the resulting notch being one to the anticipation, not to my bedpost. In every way, waiting was the right decision – not because it was “only our second date”, but because it wasn’t the right time.

One of the worst situations from a male point of view is feeling like your partner is in bed with you out of pressure not to be ‘boring’, as opposed to actually wanting to sleep with you. It’s a situation caused solely by neither party being open about what they want. That amount of openness might seem scary, especially if it’s early on. But however short a time you’ve known them for, if you can’t talk about sex with your partner, you shouldn’t be having it either.

My attitude is, if it feels right, do it. Responsibly, considerately, and openly. If it works for me, it can work for you.