Misogyny Matters: Birds with Balls

Women need to grow a pair.

I may sound like a chauvinistic piglet but that’s my right… as a woman. And before you start frowning at the screen in that pretentious, self-affected manner, no, that wasn’t a typo. Let me explain.

Women have been fighting for their rights to be socially, politically and economically equal to men ever since Eve was created after Adam. As it happens, Eve got her own back by tempting Adam with her juicy apples in the Garden of Eden.

Indeed, women the world over have fought for their right to strike an ‘x’ in the ballot box and to bring home the same quantity of bacon as their fellas. But when it comes to bedroom boom-time, inequality between the sexes is rabbit rampant.

Now don’t be fooled into thinking I’m some outspoken feminist. I don’t sport an androgynous bowl hair cut, I don’t enjoy the daily futile activity known as hair removal and I just had to Google Germaine Greer. Nor, for that matter, do I hate women. I am what you might call a misogynistic feminist.

That said, I believe it’s high time women exercised their right to indulge in some no-strings attached sexual gratification. I’m talking about feeling empowered by physical encounters, being able to love ‘em and leave ‘em, seeing notches on the bedpost as rungs in the ladder to self-confidence and genuine independence, rather than regretful holes in the delicate veil of female morality.

Come on. We’re not in the Victorian era any more. A girl should feel just as comfortable talking about her emotions as she is discussing the pursuit of her next orgasm, and without besmirching her so-called ‘virtue’.  Why then can’t more women take the bull by the balls, man up and banish the ‘third date rule’ from their moral agenda?

Just because men can date a string of women with veritable ease, it does not mean they are disgusting misogynists, responsible for making women feel worthless. Casanova and Don Juan have been misunderstood, poor chaps. The real misogynists in society are hidden beneath the guise of a lipstick smile and a pair of high heels.

Oh yes. Women are more likely to judge their contemporaries on the grounds of their sexual promiscuity than men are to judge potential partners based on their respective ‘magic numbers’. In the words of Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones: ‘A guy can just as easily dump you if you *naughty-word* him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.’

Given the diagnosis, what is the treatment? Sigmund ‘Sex’ Freud might declare society to be suffering from an acute case of ‘Madonna-Whore Complex’. Basically, women must either be innocent angels of virtue or desirous and dishonorable temptresses. But if salted caramel and chocolate covered pretzels can satisfy our taste buds, why can’t we start believing in the rare breed of woman that is both sweet and sexy in equal measure?

Have your secretary get back to me.