Filing your nails: the truth about dating a lipstick lesbian (when you’re also a lipstick lesbian)
If you whack ‘define: lipstick lesbian’ into Google you will be informed that a lipstick lesbian is ‘a lesbian who favours a glamorous, traditionally feminine lifestyle’. I have always felt that I’ve fallen quite comfortably into this category of super-femme lesbian. Opting for sequins and Jo Malone over the more stereotypical plaid shirts and trainers (not that there’s anything wrong with my fellow lesbos in plaid shirts and trainers, it’s just not my cup of tea). Long have I roamed the earth in search of a like minded lady to share my life and my Molton Brown hand wash with, having previously been involved with various women, all generally less lipsticky than myself. Single Rosie believed that the notion that there were other lesbians of the lipstick variety out there could well be no more than a myth. That was until Single Rosie met Single Pearl. A five foot tall, impeccably dressed, blonde bombshell with perfectly applied Mac lips. Predictably, I fell madly in love with this beautiful creature and the last eight months have been the most gloriously loved up months of my life. I have learned a lot in this time about the very specific benefits and tribulations of two of the most archetypal of lipstick lesbians being in a relationship with one another. And now in the spirit of love, I will share some of them with you.
The rather obvious problem of actual lipstick.
Pearl looks great in a bright pink or an orange, I generally stick to a muted dark pink or a deep blood red. This is where kissing in public becomes an issue, we don’t want to smudge our slap, much less have it transfer and leave both of us looking abysmally made up with dual coloured, clashing lippy. Sometimes I just want to kiss her all over her pretty face as soon as I see her, but my lipstick completely prevents this.
It must have been a good two or three months into the relationship before there was any experience of physical intimacy during which both parties were not wearing a beautiful matching lingerie set. A further three months in, it came to light that both of us had actually run out of matching sets pretty quickly, and were in fact buying new ones on a week to week basis, each convinced that the other had a seemingly never ending supply. Having always been somewhat of a lingerie aficionado, finding another human who is like minded in this way (case in point: we don’t really argue, but our first spat was because one of us bought a Stella McCartney lingerie set that the other had her eye on) has led to me having more aesthetically pleasing and hideously impractical items in my underwear drawer than anyone could ever need in this lifetime or the next.
Our tastes in clothes have an overlap. It’s not a total overlap by any means but it is considerable. We dressed in an amusingly similar bright orange/yellow trouser black top combo on our first date and it became immediately apparent that should this relationship go anywhere, it was going to be a recurring theme. I can think of several items in my wardrobe that Pearl also owns, and to avoid date night squabbles, it is imperative that outfit choices are run by one another in advance lest we end up in an awkward matching situation.
Extensive make-up support, 24/7.
I could never wish for someone to be more tolerant and willing to advise when listening to me complain the size of my pores or trying to cover acne scars. Pearl is also a trusted companion on my journey to finding the perfect highlighter and the only person who supported my purchase of an obscenely overpriced foundation brush (‘It’s an investment!’).
Competitive and painful personal grooming
Before our first holiday, I made the decision that the ONLY way I could maintain the illusion that I was impossibly sexy 24/7 to the impossibly sexy Pearl would be to get a preparatory Hollywood wax. I was a big old waxing virgin, choosing instead to tend to my undercarriage by other means. Not to be out done, Pearl unsurpsingly decided that she too would require the same. We visited a rather questionable beauty establishment (recommended to me by my best friend whom I still do not forgive) and Pearl volunteers to go first. She returned to me in the waiting area fifteen or so minutes later, kissed my cheek and told me I’d be fine. I was confident in her assurance and trotted off to cheerfully spread my legs for the beautician. I have always considered myself to have a reasonable pain threshold but by the end of my appointment I was digging my nails deep to the salon table and cursing like a sailor, much to the horror of the (unsympathetic) waxing lady. She opted to stop towards the end and pluck the remaining hairs out, as if somehow that would be less excruciating for me. After dressing myself post-wax, I paid up, smiling wincingly and left the establishment with P before promptly dissolving into embarrassing tears in the middle of the street. We have not repeated the experience since.
The gal pal presumption
Another burden for lipstick lesbians (not necessarily just for those in relationships with other lipstick lesbians) is of course presumed heterosexuality. It is something that was a pain throughout my single life too, but I totally didn’t realise that even though we are a couple who are big on hand holding and public displays of affection, people presume we’re just gal pals. Men have flirted with Pearl in front of me in a way that I can guarantee would not have happened if I were a man. The instant dismissal of our relationship as anything other than platonic is frustrating. It is, however, mitigated by the satisfying feeling of smugness in knowing that I get to go home with a super babe and that any ignorant male pursuers do not stand a chance.
Would it be completely revolting to say that with these points considered, the only thing overflowing more than my underwear drawer is my heart? Yes it would. It is fair to say that meticulous outfit coordinating, distressing personal grooming and advance planned lipstick application are all outweighed by the enormously fulfilling benefits of being in a relationship with such a like-minded lady. Our compatibility extends beyond the content of this post, of course. I would elaborate but a dress I like has just gone on sale and I need to buy it before Pearl beats me to it because with lipstick lesbianism comes great responsibility.
Written by Rosie Mussen
Ginger / Blogger