The Fart

large (2)It takes a lot to embarrass me but I’m cringing as I write this.

It might be immature, but I can’t even bring myself to say the word ‘fart’ out loud I hate it so much. I shoot daggers at anyone who does it near me and I hand even the most beautiful of babies back when they do it by accident. But I’ve learnt the hard way that many people don’t mind it. Take for instance my first boyfriend. He would (as most guys refer to it), ‘let rip’ all the time. He would even sometimes point his peach in my direction and chuckle to himself after shooting one in my direction- romance at its finest. In contrast, my last boyfriend didn’t even utter the word or make a joke about parping, let alone do it in front of me. And we went out for almost three years; the poor bloke.

But why do most men think its okay? Because it’s acceptable for guys of course. And for once in my life, I’m happy that there’s an inequality between the sexes. I don’t want to do it in front of my boyfriend. Or anyone else for that matter. In fact, I’d rather be caught with my knickers around my ankles by my boss than let someone hear me parp. Even when married I don’t think I’ll partake in anal acoustics. But is this too idealistic? Is there always a time where the feminine facade gives way to reality?

Take Carrie Bradshaw for example; so elegant and tasteful. I would love to say that I resemble her because I have fantastic hair and an epic wardrobe full of designer clobber. But no, I simply share in her most embarrassing moment. It was back in series one where she and the beautiful Mr Big are getting comfortable with each other and a bottom blast takes her by surprise when they’re in bed together. This happened to me back in 2005 and I still haven’t forgiven myself. In fact, I can’t believe I’m actually admitting to it. My ex and I were messing around and he made me laugh (so technically it was his fault) and along with a hearty chuckle came a little noise. I hoped he didn’t hear until he said ‘Liv… did you just…?’ I almost died. In fact, I think a little part of me did die that day. And I’ve chose never to look back- until now.

I guess now that I’ve actually admitted to being capable of doing it, I should apologise for blowing the cover of those girls who, like me, wish to pretend to boys that we just cannot fart.

However, keep at it ladies, you’ll be surprised at how many guys believe it- or want to at the very least.